revelations

I was walking home last night, after "partying" for 5 hours in "El Carmen". My friends were chatting and moaning about how messed up their life is, surprisingly enough i didn't say a word; those who know me -hopefully no one that's reading this blog- would be shocked to know that i was able to stay silent for more than 15min. They were complaining, I on the other hand was thinking. this is another unusual thing for me to do. Who said that alcohol was bad?? XD. I thought about myself, about my life. It was really weird. It was like watching a movie. Images of events that had taken place during the last 2-3 months rushed in, they were like little movie trailers playing at high speed in my brain. By the time they were over I felt old. I felt as if i had done everything that was worth doing (except parachuting; that's still on my "things to do before i die" list). I thought that i wouldn't really care if I died right now, in that precise moment, because i had already gone through lots of things . My next thought was: what have i got left to do? the first thing that popped into my mind was "falling in love". this just took me to a totally different topic; Love. Bullshit. Every guy that i have ever snogged etc. forms part of me, because i have always liked (in Spanish it sounds much nicer, believe me, but i prefer to use the literal meaning for this case ;D) him in some way or another (hmm... now that I think about it, you could scratch a couple of names off of that list; i was just too drunk to know what I was doing... yeah, alcohol is bad :P). By liking him i mean that if i was to go out with that guy, I could eventually fall in love with him. which is what I've done a couple of times, and much to my regret. Needless to say the outcome of those relationships; a total failure. So then, here was my dilemma; how to know, how to recognize what is "true love" if you have already fallen in it's trap, and you were fooled by it. Everyone which whom i have spoken to says that you "feel it". you feel differently, you know which one is the right one. According to a friend's theory, feelings or emotions are produced by a series of chemical reactions, which are then interpreted by your brain in one way or another. So then, what if you've got a twisted brain -like mine- which just interprets chemical reactions the other way round. In that case, you are fucked up. therefore i realized that maybe I've always been wrong. That every guy that i have ever rejected coz i thought they were not the right ones; they might as well be the perfect ones, the "love of my life". which just left me with the obvious realization that if I'm to guide myself on my instincts (emotions etc.) i may as well end up alone with a half a dozen of cats.
well, i think that this is enough of nonsense for today.